The older I get the more I realize and understand how little control I have in this life. As I sit here trying to breath for my Dad that is struggling so hard with each breath. His whole body working just to keep fighting. I am heartbroken. What I wouldn't give to lie down in that bed and give him a break. How much I would like to fix all of this. For him, for my mom, my siblings, my children, and selfishly for myself.
Alas my father is not in my hands, there is nothing I can do but sit and watch the battle. Praying he will be victorious with every fiber of my being. But while he is not in my hands, nor am I in control. He is in far greater and far more capable hands. He is in the hands of our Lord and Savior.
I have no idea the plans of my Heavenly father, I know that he hears my hearts desires. For his body to heal, and for yet more time with him. I question how selfish I am, that no matter the number of days there will never be enough time. Enough time for me to learn from him, laugh with him, smile with him, and enjoy all that this short life offers us. There will never be enough time for my children to spend with their Papa, never enough time here.
Because of Jesus I take solace in knowing that no matter how long or short my time is with my Dad here, there will always be heaven and in that I find comfort. It doesn't make my pain or his pain any less, but it offers me hope. And the greatest thing that has stuck in my mind since this all began is "Lord please give me hope." So it is hope that I rest in tonight, and more hope I pray for as the sun comes up tomorrow.